Ruth Hunter-Hill
Separate. Disconnect. Divide. Disunite. Sever. Split. Dissociate. Detach. Isolate. Alienate. Set Apart. Keep Apart.
All those words have a negative slant, and they’re just a few of the synonyms for divorce. It’s an ugly word and an ugly experience. Add another word – EMOTIONS – and chaos can ensue. Emotions complicate already difficult circumstances, and everyone involved has emotions that are unique to them. The emotions surrounding divorce are more intense during holidays when families traditionally celebrate together. Children of all ages are affected in some way, but teens are hit particularly hard at a time when they are already trying to find and define themselves.
Divorce is something new for your family – no one knows how to handle it. But there are things you can do for yourself to help keep you mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy and strong.
- Have a conversation with your parents, separately or together – whichever works for your family. In that conversation, consider sharing things like:
- Ask each to have an open mind and tell them that you will too.
- Remind them that you love them and that you are also hurting.
- If you’re feeling overwhelmed, let them know. If you think you may benefit from a professional’s help, ask for their help.
- Let your parents talk and try to see their perspective.
- If one or both of your parents have a new relationship, they may seem to have moved on while you’re still wishing you could have your old life back. Let them know if you’re having difficulty adjusting.
It’s best to have this conversation when things are calm. If you talk to your parents with respect and love, they will likely do the same. Any time you talk with your parents, remember their lives have also been ripped apart, and they’re also trying to figure this whole thing out.
- Remember that you’re not responsible for anyone’s behavior but yours. You can’t control the behavior of your parents or siblings.
- Maintain your normal activities as much as you can within your control. Don’t shy away from extracurricular activities at school, and continue to do things with your friends as you normally would. It’s more important than ever that you still have fun – it’s the holidays!
- Keep up with your part of family chores as well as your schoolwork. If you start to lack in these areas, you’ll add fuel to an already burning fire. Think of your chores and schoolwork as necessary distractions and give your emotions a mini vacation.
- Find someone you can talk to – maybe even someone outside of your family. Someone not directly involved in your circumstances can offer a perspective you may not have considered.
Let’s face it: Divorce sucks. For everyone. But don’t let the negative words that define divorce define you.
- Separate yourself from your parent’s disagreements. Remain neutral. Never, ever take sides in their Tell your parents that you love them equally and would rather not take sides.
- You can’t detach yourself from the emotions associated with divorce. Face them – don’t try to escape from them. Get help if you need to.
- Don’t disassociate yourself from the family – you need each other, especially now through anger and disappointments.
- Don’t sever important relationships. A don’t start unhealthy ones – such as overeating and/or not eating healthily, drinking alcohol, using drugs, abusing curfew, etc.
Your parents love you, and you can help each other survive this challenging time. Things are not hopeless. Many families make it through divorce every day – I did. My son did. And you will too.
References:
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/7060-adolescent-development
https://www.korolandvelen.com/blog/2016/september/advice-for-teens-going-through-divorce/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/divorced-parents-a-child_b_13755048
