By Ruth Hunter-Hill
Relationships, even the bad ones, are critically important throughout our lives. There’s something to be learned from every relationship.
But it doesn’t really take a genius to grow strong relationships.
As we grow and mature, we have numerous opportunities to choose our friends. That’s a big deal, don’t you think? It’s a big deal because who we surround ourselves with will ultimately have an impact on our lives, and we certainly should impact theirs.
Making friends and being a good friend starts with something as simple a knowing yourself and being comfortable with and confident in who you are. So first, be honest with yourself about your lifestyle, likes/dislikes, your faith/spiritual life, and many other things. Then, do you. Always be true to yourself.
Are you a good listener? Being a good listener is another trait that’s important in building relationships. People are generally subject matter experts on themselves, and it’s easier to talk about what we know than anything else.
The other side of being a good listener is being a considerate talker. You don’t have to always dominate the conversation, but it’s important that you are being heard, and that the other party shows genuine interest in what you have to say. Ask questions, and sincerely care about the answer. Offer suggestions and advice, but don’t be overbearing.
Let me pause and reiterate that forming relationships, whether for a season or for a lifetime, is not “rocket science” as the saying goes. Rather, a simple and well-known biblical principle applies here: treat people the way you want to be treated (Luke 6:31). If this is your guiding principle, choosing friends and building relationships will be much easier.
So when you treat people the way you want to be treated, there are some “do’s and don’ts” that out of respect should be observed:
• Don’t compete with your friend – you don’t have to be “best” at everything. Even if you’re better at something, sometimes, why not allow the friend to have their moment?
• Create and respect your own boundaries and respect their boundaries. It’s totally ok if your new friend doesn’t want to be with you 24/7. You must each respect the other’s right to make their own decisions. Don’t be self-centered, and don’t accept that from others. Strive for a healthy balance.
• Accept a disagreement for what it is. No one agrees all the time, and that’s usually ok. If you were wrong, apologize. Remember a sincere apology isn’t, “I’m sorry you took what I said the wrong way,” but rather, “I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings.” See the difference? You’ve taken some responsibility. Expect the same from the other person!
• Don’t mistake healthy feedback for criticism. Don’t criticize but offer healthy and heartfelt feedback in a respectful way.
• Don’t forget that you have major control when choosing friends and growing relationships. You may drastically disagree on something that is fundamental to you, which can be a deal breaker for some. But be careful about dismissing a potential relationship too quickly. In other words, don’t “burn any bridges.” You should have a variety of relationships in your life that serve different purposes, but the relationship should bring value to both of your lives.
• Don’t try to force a friendship. We and our relationships evolve as we grow through life. So, sometimes you must accept that a certain relationship is just not healthy for you. Again, this is totally ok! It doesn’t mean you can’t still be cordial and polite, and that you can’t learn something from that relationship.
If you think it through, I’ll bet you can easily add to this list. You know yourself better than anyone else, so you’ll know just what to add.
I read a lot of articles while seeking resources for this piece. Some were many years old, and some were as recent as late 2020. The recommendations for making friends and growing relationships were basically the same from article to article. The suggestions above are timeless because they work! I can hear my mom saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Below are a couple of the websites I used to contribute to this article. Enjoy!https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/ 08/29/build-stronger-friendships/
